The Power To Empower

Author: Miss Coochie Cakes

We all know the experiment performed by Ivan Pavlov, where he taught his dog to drool in anticipation of receiving a treat whenever he rang a bell.

And despite how much fun it may sound to be able to make your submissive drool as soon as you ring a bell the effort required probably doesn’t actually match the reward.

What it takes to achieve that level of response is consistency and commitment.

But when that’s used with an ulterior motive, without consent or mutually positive outcomes then it’s just plain old manipulation isn’t it?

It doesn’t empower the dog, in fact it pretty much disempowers the poor pooch. The dog is left with no control and it’s choice to participate or not has been removed.

So that’s shit right? We want our submissives to be able to think for themselves, take responsibility for their own behaviour and accountability for their own well-being.

So how do we use consistency and commitment to empower our submissives?

First we need to set boundaries. These boundaries are there to set our expectations on what behaviour we will or won’t accept.

If they can keep within our boundaries and do the work we expect of them, it will remove the need for negative reinforcement through endless need for punishment.

If we break it down to two specific areas we can then dive in to each a little deeper.

1. Things that harm their well-being

2. Things that that improve their well-being

If we set out clearly our expectations for each of these, and you’ll see they are pretty simple things, then the need for punishment becomes less and less.

If the rules you set only serve your needs then what’s in it for the submissive? Even the most committed of masochists will get fucked off when constantly punished.

Kink should be fun, it should be enjoyable for both. It provides an opportunity to explore our needs in a safe and consensual way.

If your submissive is always in fear of reprisal due inconsistent rules and expectations then how do you expect them to relax and enjoy the moment, or to communicate what they are feeling, or thinking or even when to tell you when they no longer feel safe.

But an empowered submissive is a valuable submissive.

1.Things that harm their well-being

In here you want to put restrictions on negative behaviour and thought patterns. A submissive can be quick to think of themselves as being unworthy or worthless.

So you need to put in place things which will make them challenge those perceptions.

• No negative self talk. You don’t attend pity parties so they shouldn’t be creating one.

• No excessive alcohol, no drugs. If they can’t respect their own bodies how can you believe that they will respect yours

• No self harming or putting themselves at risk. They belong to you, they are your property and they should never damage your property

• No playing with anyone else without your approval. You want to keep them safe and in the community there are many predators out there. Let them know you don’t have a problem with it (if that’s your dynamic) but any play needs to be with people who have the same approach to consent and empowerment as you.

• No excessive communication or communication outside of set times. You want them to think about how and what they communicate to you.  You want them to develop their communication skills. Rambling text messages can lead to misunderstandings.  Misunderstanding can lead to confusion and confusion can lead to frustration and resentment. So set times when they can and can’t contact you. It gives them time to consider what they say to you. What may seem important to them now, may not be as important in an hour. If they can learn to communicate outside of play, they will be more comfortable communicating  correctly in play.  In order to play safely they need to be able to say exactly what they are thinking or needing

The idea behind these are to create rules which benefit them firstly and you secondly. You want them safe, in control of behaviour which negatively impacts their well-being. You may not be able to eradicate them completely but they will at least see the value they must have in themselves by the value you put in to them.

2. Things that improve their well-being

So you can’t take something away with out replacing it. So the following are things which reinforce their sense of well-being.

These can take the form of:

• Daily gratitudes. Having been on the other side of things, getting your submissive to either journal or send you a brief and to the point message each day outlining something they are grateful for enforces the removal of negative self talk and overtime shows them how to value the things they have outside of your dynamic.

• Encourage them to be physically active. They need other ways to find and release dopamine and exercise is a perfect way to achieve this. Just 20 minutes a day can have a positive impact.

• Self image can be a real issue for some submissives. Really it’s something they have to work on by themselves but there are things you can get them to do such as setting them a task to compliment four people and pay themselves at least one compliment too. Positive reinforcement is the only thing you can do.

• They need to find an interest in something non-kink related. It can be learning a new skill which will be nice for them to apply to you, such as learning massage techniques, or improves their flexibility through yoga or Pilates or allows them to learn how to settle their mind and control anxiety by learning how to meditate properly.

• Promote journaling. It helps them to process their own emotions, thoughts and feelings.  The more comfortable they are with processing their day will help with reviewing and providing you with feedback following a scene or session.

The idea is that they gain confidence and control of themselves. It’s far too easy for a submissive to become reliant on the dominant for everything in their life. They want you to make their decisions for them. They’ll desperately seek validation from you.

If you give them a task they will rush to complete it because they have a need for praise. Because being praised by you is how they get their sense of self worth.

But a rushed task is likely to be completed badly. Leaving you disappointed and pushed to either chastise or punish.

If they have value in themselves they will place greater value in meeting your needs. If they are no longer rushing to gain praise to fill that gap, they will slow down and complete it as you would want them to.

So these are all things which can be done outside of play. Your time together will then be less about punishment and more about exploration and mutual enjoyment.

There is nothing to fear from your submissive having independent thought and all to gain from them having a sense of self esteem, self control and accountability for their own behaviour and actions.

Chances are you will both fuck up at some stage. Be adults about it, as the Dominant you need to lead by example. So if you make a mistake, own it.

I very rarely need to be punished, nor do I feel the need to punish either. If you are  consistent in enforcing your boundaries, reward positive behaviour, call out negative behaviour by reminding them of why those expectations are important and lastly have some fucking fun.

Life’s far too short to be spent being angry and annoyed.