Rules, Boundaries & Protocols: A Way To Heal From Trauma?

Author: Miss Coochie Couture

CW: Trauma. Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation

“Trauma involves events that pose significant threat (physical, emotional, or psychological) to the safety of the victim or loved ones/friends and are overwhelming and shocking. Many individuals exposed to traumatic events experience a range of posttraumatic psychophysiological reactions” (https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/ptsd.pdf)

I’ve encountered many within the community who have at some stage in their lives experienced a singular or prolonged traumatic event(s) of some kind.

Being a trauma survivor myself I am constantly questioning and analysing the psychological and physical impact of events. I’m especially fascinated by patterns of behaviour and what the cognitive reasoning may be behind how we react to them.

For example, after returning from Bosnia as a part of the NATO Stabilisation Force I wanted to try and unpack how societies breakdown and how we can go from normalised social functioning to the collective social dysfunction and that formed the objective of my Degree. I did this because I believed that there is a formula to determine where the next genocide may occur (and there is one).

How Does Trauma Effect Us?

Ok, I’m not going to generalise here because people react and recover from trauma in different ways. These differences could be driven by their social and familial support networks, access to professional support, personal reasoning and function etc.

I’ll talk, instead, about how prolonged exposure to traumatic events has affected me. There’s likely to be some which you may be familiar with and some which aren’t, but as I say, there are so many variables in how an individual may react or recover.

I can’t really pinpoint when the first event happened, I think I was five but it could well have been before then. What I do know is that I was first taken to see a Dr at five years old to find out why I was yanking my own hair out and scratching my eczema rash until it bled and went septic.

It would be another 31 years, more events and a hell of a lot more incidents of self harm, isolation and suicidal ideation. Then it would be another 12 years before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex-PTSD.

I can’t really say how my behaviour changed, because my behaviour wasn’t fully developed at that first point. What I do know is that  I have been in survival mode since that time.

Survival mode for me means absolutely analysing every person I meet, every situation I am in, and current and future potential for my safety to be reduced.

I am completely incapable of remembering peoples names on first introduction. In fact it’s impossible for me to remember because it’s a detail I don’t capture.

The way I described this to my psychologist when they asked about my cognitive process was to get them to imagine they are standing on the edge of a very busy road. They know that on the opposite side is somewhere which is safer than where they are now. So in order to get there you constantly check left and right, how fast is that yellow car travelling? if I get past the yellow car, will that red one also put me at risk? What if I get part way and have to turn back, can I do that?  Eventually you get to the other side. You’re not completely safe but that particular hazard is behind you. It’s at this point my psychologist said “well that’s because you are constantly in fight or flight mode”. Which is entirely true.

But then I ask her, what was the registration of the yellow and red cars?

What I notice and the information I capture is different than some other, dare I say “normal” people, because my needs are different.

The information I need is purely to work out what I need to do to maintain safety and control by forecasting outcomes of interactions, people’s behaviour and the general environment I am in.  I am constantly evaluating risk.

Awesome, But how does this relate to kink?

Despite the imagery of BDSM and perceived ideas of its violent nature. Unlike the vanilla world, BDSM has rules, it has protocols, consent is talked about as much as the weather. Scenes, sessions or dynamics are negotiated.

This means the risk is reduced.

Now I’m not saying that everyone in the kink community is safe. There are plenty of predators and manipulators out there.

In fact I’ve encountered a number of submissives who actively seek abusive dominants and situations because in some way it validates their feelings of self worth or lack of.

I would be very wary of either a dominant or a submissive who don’t have their own boundaries. When I have encountered them recently I tend to try and help them understand what a change it can make to a dynamic or in fact their safety and well being.

I know that for some contracts are seen as problematic, especially in the beginning stages of a dynamic. But contracts aren’t always about what a submissive is prepared to give up under a Total Power Exchange (TPE) dynamic. For me, contracts have been about setting expectations about communication, engagement, expected behaviour of the submissive, expected behaviour of the dominant, identification of what after care is required (for both parties), protocols for when in different situations such as private or social (vanilla and kink).

Obviously not all situations require a contract, especially if it’s not an exclusive dynamic. But being able to discuss these key points with potential or existing play partners is vital in order to ensure that you feel safe enough to be able to enjoy the scene or session.

(Ironically it’s the same reason why I enjoyed my time in the military and believe me when I say the army is built on both sadistic and masochistic beliefs).

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K) isn’t just a buzz phrase, it’s all of the above and more. For me, my life is loved by being Risk Aware. It’s how I have survived the last five decades.

Even in my darkest of hours, when I’ve taken a knife, scissors or flame to a particular part of my body, I have always been aware of the risks and consented to myself to still do it (more in self harm and kink in a future article).

My point is I know what I need to be safe. In kink being able to communicate those things is expected and actually empowering. Having those things in place allows me to enjoy and be in the moment. Rather than to worrying about what if X happens and I need to Y to be safe, I get to enjoy the sensations I am experiencing, to connect my brain to my body. To be at peace.

Why can’t this just be the same in the vanilla world?

Because in the vanilla world it would  be seen as being awkward, demanding or needy.

Imagine this. It’s your first date, you’ve spoken a little online. You sit down, order drinks, discuss your day, then move into detailing the rules and protocols of meeting their friends and parents. What aftercare you are going to need after spending the afternoon at  their grans drinking tea and eating cucumber sandwiches and what the safe word is for when she pulls out the photo albums.

Outlining in paper what you like to do during sex, what you don’t like to do. What you want them to call you, what not to shout out at that moment of orgasm.

It just doesn’t happen.

But imagine if it did. How much safer would we feel? How much easier and enjoyable would our relationships be if we had guidelines and agreed behaviours and expectations of each other?

Imagine, if instead of worrying when the next trigger is going to occur, if we could just be at peace with life and enjoy each moment without having to have an escape plan? How incredible would that feel.