“WTF am I Doing? A Guide to Surviving Your First Performance
Author: Miss Coochie Cakes
“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clocks run out, times up over, bloah!”
(Eminem, Lose Yourself)
Who knew Eminem could predict almost exactly how the moments before my first ever Burlesque performance would go!
Ok, I may not have consumed a a bowl of mums microwaved spaghetti hoops before hand but I remember the nervous excitement I had right up to the point where I was lined up in the wings, beside my fellow (more experienced) performers when, panic hit me as I suddenly went absolutely blank and remember saying “fuck! I can’t remember any of it”!
Since then I’ve whooped, laughed and cried my way through a number of performances.
I’m told it gets easier and I really want to believe them.
So here is The Twisted Angels guide to losing your burlesque performance virginity. I can’t promise your palms won’t still be sweaty or your arms still heavy but it may help you stop vomiting on your sweater.
1.First, a thank you!
In putting this guide together I’ve reached out to a number of friends and associates in the the burly community and below is just some of the pearls of wisdom which have been shared with me.
Lesson number 1 then is to don’t be afraid to ask people in your class or your burly teacher what tips they may have. They may know the venue of where your performance is going to be, they’ll have ideas on what to pack, what not to pack, if it’s a warm venue, what the green rooms like etc.
2. Be Prepared
You can’t really expect to learn everything in your hour long class. In fact, I’ve learned that rather like a psychologists clock, a dance teachers hour is more like 40 minutes. (allowing 20 minutes for welcomes, chats, warm ups, costume advice etc.).
So you are going to have to get comfortable practicing on your own. This means finding space at home, kicking out the family, pets, housemate etc. getting the music and videos lined up and preparing yourself to stop, rewind, rehydrate, restart, repeat.
The more you practice it, the more comfortable you will become. You’ll start to notice certain movements match particular parts of the song. Getting to that stage is hugely important because when you are on stage and you forget what comes next, your muscle memory comes in to play and picks up the slack.
Once you have your costume sorted, start to rehearse in that too. A routine in bare feet, leggings and top is going to feel completely different in heels, corset and complicated stocking and suspender configurations.
My wife and I recently did a performance where we were wearing peaked caps. Once we started to rehearse with them on, our whole posture changed. Unless it’s the first thing you are going to remove, you are going to want to work through keeping it on your head and not some poor dears lap in row z.
3.Promote the show and sell tickets to friends and family!
Being on stage when you already have a cheer squad in place is going to make things a whole lot more enjoyable. The noisier the audience, the more fun you will have.
So promote the hell out of what is the pinnacle of your burly journey so far. You deserve it!
4. Make a List!
Seems dead simple but if you spend time in calmness writing down what you need to do, what you have to pack, and what order you need to put your costume(s) on, the easier it will be once those on the day nerves kick in.
5. Pack Light
You will see along your journey that the professionals in this game tend to bring with them huge suitcases, packed with a mobile dressing room and all that goes with it.
But these are people who livelihood (and reputations) are reliant on everything that they can cram in to a rectangular box with wheels.
You probably don’t need anything on that scale. Below is a few things I carry and what I have noticed others have in their kit.
Costume (obviously)
Spare stockings or tights
Gaffa tape
Nipple pasties
Hand held fan
Small electric fan
Scissors
Needle and cotton
Spare g string
Hand towel
Make up wipes
Deodorant
Hair spray
Hair brush
Hair elastics
Water bottle
Hydra lite
Lollies (back stage faves seem to be sour jellies atm)
If you forget anything though, just ask as someone else is likely to have it.
6. Rest, Eat & Hydrate
Maybe easier said than done, but I guess it’s about thinking what the day before looks like. You don’t really want to be falling out of a nightclub at 5am on the day of your performance. But even if you are going to be working during the day of the show, it’s worthwhile thinking about what you can do during the day to make sure you stay hydrated, eat the right food and when you clock off, you leave work at the door.
7. The Brain Fart Round
You’ll likely have a tech run through an hour or so before the doors open. You’ll get to see everyone else’s performance and especially the process the headliners go through for theirs.
Chances are you will get to run through your routine at least twice. This will be your first chance to step on to the stage, see the empty chairs in front of you, the lights etc.
With all that in mind, you will all have what’s called the brain fart round. Everybody fucks up. Costumes fail, things get dropped, pasties fall off. But that’s the point of tech runs.
It’s better that you find out all those things before the real thing.
And it effects everyone. New and seasoned performers alike. If it goes wrong during tech, you are on to a winner.
8. Take a Deep Breath
It’s easy to forget to actually enjoy it. There are heaps of people who will never get the opportunity you have. This may even be your one and only time, so stop for a moment and just enjoy it. You’ve come so far and come through so many emotions and faced a whole heap of fears, uncertainty and self doubt to be right here right now.
9. Listen to the Stage Manager
The Stage Manager is the Mistress of Organisation. They will tell exactly what you need to know. The run sheets will be taped to the walls, so make sure you know what act comes before yours, and what comes before that.
They will get you together at the side of the stage, ready for your act to be announced and you step out from behind the curtain and into the bright lights.
10. Lose Yourself in The Moment
This is the Eminem moment.
You will forget the routine, feel sick, need a pee, double check that your bra is on the right way round and speaking of bras, someone will remind you that your phone is still tucked in to it and you may want to get rid of it.
It’s all normal. Just go with the flow. If you’ve done the prep, rehearsed the routine to the point where it just happens. Then all will be ok.
11. LU4IDIDL&R4I
Look up for inspiration
Look down in desperation
And
Left and right for information
In other words. If all else fails, just do what everyone else on stage is doing.
12. Fake it when you Fuck Up
Unless the whole audience has been sat patiently at everyone one of your classes, they have no idea what’s right or what’s wrong.
They have no idea that when you stepped left you should have stepped right. When everyone else shimmied for a four count and you shimmied for three, they don’t know that.
So if you lose a part of the routine, pick up the next bit. It’s ok, it happens. That’s what live performance is about.
Madonna’s performance at Live Aid in 1984 was plagued with sound quality issues. Janet Jackson famously had a nip-slip issue at the half time show at the Super Bowl. Dave Grohl fell of stage and broke his leg, Justin Bieber threw up on stage. Metallica at one concert made such a hash of one of their songs that they stopped, apologised to the crowd, explained it was because their hands were sweaty (blame Eminem) and played the whole song properly again.
Shit happens. As long as you are having fun, nothing else really matters.
13. Three Minutes
It’s taken longer for you to read to this part than the time you will actually spend on stage.
14. Leave it on the stage
Don’t be over critical of yourself or others if things did go wrong. It’s just three minutes of your life. If the audience clapped and cheered at the end, then don’t diminish their enjoyment of your performance by over thinking things.
15. Don’t leave your things though
The stage kittens do an amazing job of picking up all the detritus of your performance. Bras, gloves, pants, hats, canes and just about anything you’ve removed will all come back to you in a pile.
Make sure everyone and yourself, get it all back.
16. Get off and Get Out of the Way
Once your performance is done you will likely be pumped, emotional and maybe a little bit loud.
Remember it’s usually just a curtain between you and the audience so don’t go spoiling it for others by being too rowdy.
Get your stuff together, get ready for the curtain call and save the high fives for after the show.
(We will do a separate piece on back stage etiquette later)
17. Curtain Call
This is the last part of the show. The MC will invite everyone of the performers back to the stage to take collective applause. It will also be the only opportunity for the audience to take a photo of you on stage.
It’s a good chance to get that group photo of everyone who was there on your first ever show.
However, if you struggle like me with having your photo taken, it’s actually ok to not do the curtain call. Just let the MC and/or Stage Manager know. I will do another piece on this, because it goes quite deep and well, can leave you with some additional emotions at a later stage.
But if you can do, you should.
Pack up and tidy away
The venue will expect you to tidy up, take everything with you and to remove any rubbish, glasses, nipple pasties etc. away.
It’s a good idea to make sure your space is clear afterwards, but don’t be afraid to take someone else’s rubbish or glasses back to the bar.
18. Take another deep breath
Ok so you’ve done it. You’ll likely still be on a high. Feel like you should party all night and that you don’t want it to end.
Just be mindful that where there is an up, there is always going to be a down.
Go steady, enjoy it but listen to your body too. It will need to be hydrated, fed and nourished too.
19. Be prepared for Glitter Drop
If you’ve been around kink, you will already know what the effects of a dopamine and endorphin cocktail has on you.
In kink we call it sub drop or top drop.
Essentially it’s the same thing, just a bit more showbizzy.
If you haven’t encountered any of those before, basically it’s the down part.
You’ll feel exhausted, emotional, sleepy, depressed, low on energy and wanting to just hide and never speak to anyone again.
This is all normal. There are some excellent articles on both sub/top and glitter drop but the below appear to be common amongst them in terms of tips.
Practice self care
Stay connected
Check in on yourself and others
Rehydrate and replenish
Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s just a part of the process that your body needs to recover
It’s also worth taking this in to account when you are planning things around your performance. Keep the day clear if you can and don’t over commit socially.
It will pass in a day or so, but just ride it out.
20. Do it again!
Well why not? I mean it’s a doddle and if you’ve done it once how hard can it be next time right?